I doubt that would be what I'm feeling now, but it's close to it. I feel completely fine for the first time in weeks. Yes, I have homework and midterms looming the coming weeks, but for now; for tonight... I'm just fine. I'm listening to some amazing music by one of my favorite bands, House of Heroes, and dwelling on everything else that should be making me happy right now. Why doesn't this tactic work on me every other week when I'm freaking out about how the world hates me?
Tomorrow is my Friday. I have my easy-peasy math class and then I have to sit through a film in Cinema History, which I think I will respect. I hate sitting for that long in a classroom, but c'mon, I get to watch a movie every week of class! How great is that? For my midterm I have to pick a silent film and analyze it in at least 6 pages. Analyzing! That's honestly like, "Hey! Pick out some random thing you think could be symbolization or what you liked about the acting and talk relentlessly about it!" Why am I not more grateful for these kinds of things?
Why am I always stuck on the negative? Maybe today is like a breakthrough for me or something, but life is good. I get over that ridiculous crush on a boy I didn't even know (turns out he's not the most thoughtful) and all of a sudden it stops raining and the sun shines for the first time in weeks! Literally, the sun broke through today and it was amazing. I feel like I should be typing this in a park and smiling wildly up at the sky with happiness, but really I'm just on our couch late at night... And I am perfectly fine with that. My happiness is almost making me sick. It's not necessarily happiness as much as peace. I'm calm right now. No freaking out about cars, boys, school, money or lack of food. Everything is alright.
I can't get over how soothing this is. It feels so good to be okay. To have stuff taken away and realize... thats fine, I still have this other thing. I love being happy. I love how music has such a big impact on my mood too. Seriously, the past week I've been listening to Silverstein melodically screaming in my ears and numbing me, but today... Today I listened to Family Force 5 and House of Heroes and I'm not numb anymore. I'm alive. It's incredible. They both make me so ridiculously happy.
I am an incredibly selfish person. I know this. I actually only realized this a year or so ago, but when I did I almost completely shut down because I felt so ashamed of it. The reason I love blogging (even though no one reads this) is because I love telling my story. I love writing/typing what I wish I could say to the world. Maybe that part isn't selfish because this is the one outlet I have to truly set my thoughts straight, but other than that, I think I just love blabbing away. I'm not very good with talking to people because I don't ask them questions. That comes across as selfish when they're the only one's asking questions, but really I have no idea at all how to keep a conversation going.
Anyway, it's things like this that I realize through this blog. This is overall making me a better person by seeing what's going through my mind put out there for people to read without all the other muck I write in my journal that pretty much ends up as, "oh my gosh, i love music so much. seriously. love. and that guy from the band i can't remember was so amazing. seriously. amazing." Well, I might still sound like that, but this has more structure than that. What I need is structure.
Structure and respect. I need to respect the world and people around me more. Maybe if I did that I would get a hell of a lot more out of it. Maybe if I stopped acting stand-offish people wouldn't stay away. I need to respect myself as well. That one needs some serious work, but I'm getting there.
It's days like this that keep me pushing forward to being the happy, lively and religious person I want to be. I want nothing more than to share this feeling with everyone around me, I just don't understand how to do that yet. A majority of my friends have that figured out quite well, but I'm just a bit different.
I look forward to many more days like this. This is absolutely amazing.
Have a lovely night. xx
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