Nerves.

I am sitting in the back of a lighting studio classroom tired out of my mind. Class is over with, but I have to wait to go over my pictures with the professor. I only did one assignment and I'm feeling very guilty and nervous. There were only two assignments, but still. Nerves always destroy me.

When I get scared, I usually just sit back and watch everything happen around me. I survey my surroundings and see what other people do before I make my move. Most of the time that leads me to doing nothing at all. I'm so scared of other people's ideas and impressions of me or what I put out there as mine. I don't want people to hate me, but by doing what I do... I don't even give them a chance to like me. I hide in my little corner and watch life pass me by.

The first day of Digital Photo 1 we went over a list of traits my professor thinks photographers should have. We were discussing ones that we thought were important in a group. Naturally, I tried to take advantage of the situation and make some acquaintances, but never thought that I would end up being the one from the group to say which trait we thought was really important to the class. I usually just shut up and let somebody else jump in to say something, but that day I actually was the one to talk. The trait we chose was,"...does not let fear run her life."

When I read that, I felt as if it was put on that list purely for me. I had been telling myself for weeks that fear cannot take a hold on me like it always has. I needed to make a change in order to get through the rest of my classes in the next few semesters... to get through them successfully. So I read that trait outloud. That was a huge step from me.

Alas, that spark of enthusiasm for change did not last long. I have recently fallen back into my pit of despair and nerves. Some of these people are really good and some of these people are... not. I think I land between them. I think I'm okay, but I don't know it for sure. My professor for both my Lighting at Digital Photo 1 has just remembered my name... after a mishap in class yesterday when he never saw me in class and he though I had dropped. I have been to class every week. He apologized thoroughly and I told him it was okay because I'm quiet.

I shouldn't have to tell people that. My favorite thing in the world is when people remember my name. That's kind of sad. I deserved to have my name be remembered. I think that's why I'm trying this photography thing. I don't want my face seen much, but I would at least want my name remembered or recognized.

I need to kill my nerve problem. It needs to be shot dead. I don't even think I still need to be here for this critique, but this is one way I'm trying to deal with this. Being shy and modest isn't a bad thing (even though my roommate seems to think so), but I need to get my ass out there and do something or my entire life will pass me by.

I've felt like this my entire life... my friends make this more evident. I feel left behind in every aspect of my life because of fear.

Fuck fear.

Have a lovely night. xx